The sick has been stuck in my body since the end of October. I toughed it out for two weeks before finally heading for the doctor. Now, I’ve ran through a week of antibiotics and I’m still not feeling better. Three weeks and counting.
I’m also having issues feeling like I’m eating enough. I can hear it now:
“You don’t eat enough.”
“You’re too skinny.”
“Go eat a cheeseburger.”
“Have a bowl of ice cream.”
I’ve heard this my whole life. Before you say it again, hear me out. I love being thin. I’ve had long talks with my doctor about my weight and he and I believe that I am on target for my height and bone structure. In other words, I’m lucky. I also know that my metabolism is fast, meaning that eating good balanced meal will leave me ravaging for food just three hours later. It’s just how I work. Need a snack? Check my desk drawer(s).
There are days, like today, where I feel worn out, hungry, and achy. I know it’s from this cold that just won’t go away. There are also days where I can feel exhaustion in my bones. I’m a working mom and wife. Some days, I forget about me. Some days there is no balance – it’s all about others and not about me. Some days, I know I just don’t eat enough. That’s the life I live as a mom to a 4 year old and the wife of a Type 1 Diabetic. Some days are just hard.
Today is a day where I could eat all day, and still not feel full. Something tells me it’s because my body is fighting off this cold with all it’s might so I can be well. Something also tells me that it won’t last forever. But in days like this, I feel so tired and hungry and achy, it’ shard to remember that I am a healthy person – and one of the lucky ones.
How do you wish someone a happy birthday if the seem to have fallen off the earth?
Do you even bother?
Did you know I have a brother? I don’t talk about him much. Today, he turns 32. It’s not often that I allow myself to wonder where he is or what he’s doing. It’s not often I check the circuit court system to make sure he’s not listed there. It’s not often I talk of him. He left, and has generally chosen not to communicate with our family.
It’s not often I wonder.
We are drastically different. Sometimes I’m amazed we are from the same family. He struggled a lot in his young life while things were easy for me.
I hope he’s doing well and today, on his 32nd birthday, I hope he has all the cake he could dream of and I hope he has a wonderful day.
Happy Birthday Little Brother.
Posted in Personal
Today I learned a few things. Disclaimer, this post is a little random and sort of a brain dump.
The first being that shitty goggles get you nowhere. Or maybe they get you somewhere with an eye full of water.
Second, I learned that I am not a strong swimmer. In my head, I can swim many laps. In high school, I could have been a life guard. I took all the lessons and was a strong swimmer. In reality, with shirty goggles and 20 years later, I can swim exactly two and a half laps before realizing that I am out of shape and need better goggles.
I also realized that those laps were more than I’ve done in longer time that I care to admit and they are the beginning. Of what, I’m not exactly sure. Why? Because the reality (yes, more reality) of being married to a man who deals with an invisible disease is setting in. If no one sees your illness, then you’re not sick. The thing is, he has been dealing with Type 1 Diabetes for 33 years. He looks healthy, you say. And he is. But he still has a disease that is sometimes debilitating and could take his life with a wrong move. Why debilitating? Here’s an example, the other night, his blood sugar was high-ish. He took a shot of insulin and we ate dinner. While I was putting Sydney to bed, his blood sugar dropped to the 40 range. If it gets lower, he could end up comatose and call to 911 would be in order. Big Girl was here and able to help him that evening and I was none the wiser until Sydney was asleep and I came back downstairs.
This example is not our normal but it could be. Again, he is healthy. Could he be healthier? Yes and so could I and so could you.
Why is the pool the beginning? Because I’ve finally realized that my girl can’t live without her dad and her mom. I’ve realized that I need to be taking really good care of myself just in case. Frank and I are very aware that something bad could happen to either one of us and also aware of the fact that diabetes is a horrible invisible illness. It’s not easy for him to live with and not easy to watch. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “How’s your sugar?”, well I bet you can do the math. In November, I will be raising awareness along with JDRF about what it’s like to like to live with T1D. Join me. #T1D4aDay
Sometime this week, I’ll go for 3 laps. Because if I don’t start small, I might not start. Got any swim tips? I’ll take them!
To my dearest husband, Frank,
On this day, eight years ago, I married my best friend.
In those eight years and the three and a half before that, we’ve been through heaven and hell.
I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
He is my other half.
He is the best chef a girl could ask for.
I wouldn’t have chosen anyone else with whom to raise my precious Sydney.
She is the perfect mix of us.
I can’t wait to see what the future brings for us because I know it will be great.
I love you, my dear.
Thank you for loving me, as hard as it sometimes might be.